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Mark Gatela’s Published Work

The Filipino Millennium

In 1521, the Islands Later Known As the Philippines (named after King Pinas of Spain) was discovered by Ferdinand Magellan, a Portuguese serving under Spain because they had better tax shelters.

When Magellan reached the Philippines he was surprised to find that there were people living on the islands, which discouraged him to go nude sunbathing. Also, his attempts to find a wife who would cook and clean his villa in Spain was frowned upon by the Chieftain of Mactan, Escabeche.

Escabeche refused to be converted to Catholicism because he was already a member of Iglesia ni Bathala. He was angry at Magellan because he insisted on sunbathing, flashing his lily-white European bottom. Thus Escabeche had all of Magellan’s luggage stolen and connived with the cab drivers to give Magellan a run-around. Magellan died while trying to break his bill to pay his cab fare. This was the first recorded tourism accident.

Upon hearing of fabulous beaches where one could go nude sunbathing, a bunch of other Spaniards came to the Philippines and stayed for 300 years.

Meanwhile, a dish was named after Escabeche for his heroism against the Europeans. For refusing to be cowed by the foreigners we now have the tasty dish, the sisig, in honor of Escabeche. His heroism, however, failed to inspire his fellow chieftains because frankly, they didn’t want a dish named after them.

Spanish Colonization

Under Spain, the Philippines learned most of its laws, labor practices, customs and of course, religion. Some of these practices are still wide spread in modern society. From the Spaniards, we learned that a message is more effective when delivered by a foreigner (see Stratfor analysis).

The Spaniards party was spoiled when an indio (Spanish word for really annoying person), who studied in Europe and learned that the Spaniards aren’t supposed to be vacationing in the Philippines, wrote two inflammatory novels, the Noli Me Tangere Episode I: The Spanish Menace, and its sequel, Noli Me Tangere II: Simoun Strikes Back. They were inflammatory because the Spaniards found out they made good kindling for burning. The Spaniards banned and burned the books because they objected to the portrayal of the hero Ibarra and Maria Clara, the first recorded love-team, in which they had no song and dance number on the beach.

The indio, Jose Rizal, was put to death via firing squad at the Luneta which would later on be called, Cheap Date Place. The event caused many Filipinos to be upset because they had to close the skating rink for the day.

However, Rizal already had a good following from his writings especially when they serialized it in komiks. One such fan, Andres Bonifacio, president of the Pepe 4 Ever Fan Club, Tondo Chapter turned his group into the Katipunan, a highly successful band. They initially performed at a row of drinking places found along Ateneo, the school which Jose Rizal attended before being sent to Europe. The road was later named after the band.

The Katipunan caused riots whenever they performed since most of their performances were cheap: they must answer “Jose Rizal” to the question “Knock, knock, who’s there?”

Their hits: “Anong Pag-Ibig Pa” and “Punitin ang Cedula” were frowned upon by the Spaniards because they were, to quote historian Conito Peninsulares “not radio friendly.” The band was declared subversives by the Spaniards and hunted down in the most Catholic manner of the Inquisition.

Ironically, Andres Bonifacio was not captured by the Spaniards but by fellow native, Emilio Aguinaldo, head of the Magdalo faction of the Katipunan, which was a boy band.

Depending on which historian you read, Aguinaldo had Bonifacio killed in Isabela to quell any resistance loyal to the latter. However new evidence shows that Bonifacio was abducted by aliens and later returned with the technology that gave us the LRT. We’ve immortalized this event by constructing a monument of Bonifacio at the end of the LRT line.

Aguinaldo declared himself the President of the Republic of the Philippines in Cavite on June 12, 1898. The Philippines became the first Republic in Asia to have a veranda on its paper money.

Note that during the Declaration of Independence, the Spaniards were still in the Philippines which confused them to no end and they had to have their tourist visas changed. This posed a problem when they couldn’t find the local Spanish embassy.

The Spanish-American War was raging and the Philippines was caught in the middle, despite being on the other side of the Pacific.

During the Treaty of Paris, Spain gave America the Philippines at a discount and a lifetime pass to the Annual Pamplona Running of the Bulls. America wanted the Philippines because of its sugar, because their Starbucks coffee doesn’t taste much without it. And they also wanted to go nude sunbathing on our beaches.

The American Colonization

The first American teachers were called “Boats” because that’s how they reached the Philippines — on board a boat called the Thomas. From the Americans, the Filipinos taught how to spell ‘apple’ even though they have never seen one all their lives.

Education was the American’s biggest contribution to the development of the Philippines as a nation. While the Spaniards feared that education would turn the Filipinos against them, the Americans saw it wise that their little brown brothers be taught the four r’s: reading, ‘ritin, ‘rithmitic and rap. So we be dope wit rhymin.

Because the Filipinos learned how to write and count, we can now spell “Balangiga Massacre” correctly and count how many people were killed by the Americans in Samar.

America was preparing the Philippines to stand on its own two feet through the Commonwealth Government headed by Spanish Mestizo, Manuel L. Quezon, who was named after the city.

However, before Quezon’s wish that he would like to see the Philippines run like hell by the Filipinos came true, the Second World War broke out.